Vongole Weekly
by Isabella Medici
Summary: Vongole Weekly is a famous mafia newspaper, bringing you latest news concerning Vongole Famiglia, while keeping you updated with fresh news from other families, like Gesso, Giglio Nero, Cavallone and Simon.
1. Chapter 1

**= Vongole Weekly, issue #29,811 =**

_Vongole Weekly is a weekly newspaper by Vongole Famiglia. The newspaper began with the First Generation of Vongole, and it is serving as quick and efficient news source for and of Vongole Famiglia and its allies even today._

**= Vongole news =**

_Unprotected access to internet – scarring young children?_

A fellow member of Vongole family has recently received a shock, when a casual visit to his favorite internet sites turned into something darker. To protect his innocence and identity, we will give him a fake name – Tuna.

"I just wanted to check my mail … but someone send me a link to a site where there are hundreds of drawings of me! N-naked and … doing … I can't even say it aloud!"

His tutor immediately took care of the situation and placed an adult filter on his computer. Tuna now seems very happy about the solution:

"But that doesn't solve anything! That's not even the point!"

For safety of your children, please be careful when you allow them reckless access to the internet.

* * *

_A sincere apology on behalf of Vongole Weekly staff_

In the VW issue #29, 809, we reported the most feared man in the Vongole family, XANXUS, made his father, Vongole Nono - Timoteo, very happy, as he was spotted walking the streets of Italy with an unknown woman. As the head of the family celebrated his son's happiness, we received an enraged call.

We sincerely apologize for falsely reporting XANXUS is ready for settling down and raising a family of his own, as it turns out the person walking with him was not an Italian beauty, but his subordinate, Superbia Squalo, who was there as protection as XANXUS visited several shady bars. Again, we apologize for our mistake and beg Superbia to not "cut off our dicks and feed us with them" as he politely put it when he called us.

* * *

_Amazing artistic talent discovered inside Vongole!_

Vongole always had a talent for art and Gokudera Hayato is another proof of that. Storm guardian of Tenth Generation has discovered his hidden talent a few weeks ago.

"I was absent-mindedly doodling something," explains ecstatic Gokudera, "when I looked at it, it turned into something beautiful!"

Gokudera Hayato is now nurturing his skills as an artist and draws breathtaking drawings whenever he can. His inspiration is the current boss-in-training, Sawada Tsunayoshi.

"I send Juudaime link to my work," continues Gokudera, "I'm waiting for his praise!"

You can see his art on an online site he created especially for his drawings: juudaimeseden dot com.

* * *

_Mysterious occurrences at Kokuyo High_

Several eyewitnesses came forward to report something suspicious was happening around the Kokuyo High School area. Eyewitnesses claimed they saw Tenth Generation mist guardian, Chrome Dokuro, running away from Kokuyo High several times during the period of two days. They reported she was on the verge of tears and blushing. The most mysterious thing is, each time they saw her, she was dressed differently; in a cat costume, as a lamb, as a maid, as a pineapple and as a dominatrix. When we called Chrome Dokuro for a commentary, she refused to speak, only saying:

"Mukuro-sama …"

However, we contacted Vongole's new hope for a boss, Sawada Tsunayoshi, who freaked out but promised he will take care of it.

* * *

_Simon Famiglia are in for a treat!_

Vongole family's most popular tradition is to write and perform a play for a different allied family every so often. This year, Simon Famiglia are the lucky ones: Vongole, in cooperation with Kokuyo Gang, Giglio Nero Famiglia, Gesso Famiglia and Cavallone Famiglia, will perform a theatrical play for them in Vongole's Royal Theater in Venezia. The name of the play is "Banana Pani". Here is what prince Belphegor, who was in charge of writing the script with occasional help from Rokudo Mukuro and Bianchi, has to say about the plot:

"Shishishi~ It'll be a masterpiece. Banana Pani is about a banana named Pani, played by Sawada Tsunayoshi, who is madly in love with his fiancée, banana Pupu, played by boss XANXUS. Bananas are madly in love and Pupu is getting ready for marriage, but then a banana war erupts and Pani has to go serve in the military. Pupu can't bear to let him go, but must. Once on a battlefield, Pani discovers bananas became cannibals as they strip him of his peel and try to eat him.

Beaten, peel-less and stinky, he escapes home, only to find his banana Pupu participating in threesome with eggplant Goo, played by Sasagawa Kyoko and pear Fuu, played by Miura Haru. As the three are humping each other, Pani sees Pupu already gave birth to three children – as she was impregnated by Goo and Fuu. The children are three tomatoes Lo, La and Li, played by Flan, Bluebell and Fuuta.

Pani forgives Pupu and agrees to raise the children as his own, but they turn out to be possessed by the devil. Pupu, fed up with her husband, begins a passionate love affair with a butterfly Hunky, played by Leviathan. Driven out of his mind, Pani becomes a homosexual, indulging in S&M acitivities with wretched starfish Micci, played by Yuni. Pani is then rescued by God, played by Byakuran, shishishi~"

The play is highly anticipated. We called the main actors for a commentary:

"I don't understand the script at all!" says excited Sawada Tsunayoshi, "And why a banana?"

"…" says excited XANXUS, "…"

"Iyaaaa, I can't wait," says excited Byakuran, "everyone is so cute in their banana costumes!"

The play will be recorded and available on DVD.

**~Vongole news – Namimori school journal~**

The east wall was not feeling well. Disciplinary Committee spend the day comforting it. The east wall is now feeling well.

_-Report by Hibari Kyouya_

**= Bits and updates on other Famiglias =**

_Red alert for Giglio Nero Famiglia!_

As we reported in pervious issue, the head of Giglio Nero family, princess Yuni, has disappeared. All families, including Vongole, are desperately searching for her. Yuni has gone missing ten days ago. She was last seen by the lake in the park, where she was having an afternoon walk with Byakuran from Gesso Famiglia. He had already denied any involvement in Yuni's disappearance. We called him yesterday for further commentary:

"I hope we find Yuni-chan as soon as possible! Let's pray nothing bad happened to her. Who will play her role in Banana Pani instead of her? Hyaaa, this is terrible~"

When questioned why he isn't physically involved in Yuni's search, Byakuran said: "I'd love to, but I just adopted a stray kitten ten days ago and she keeps trying to run away~ I have to be a good master and take care of her~"

Vongole Weekly staff adores animals, so we wish Byakuran all the best with his new pet. We asked him for kitten's name.

"… … … … … eeeemmm Luni. Her name is Luni," he said.

**= Joke of the day =**

What's white, black, green and brown all over?

That shitty shark being dragged through the mud while he's having a cold.

_-Submitted by XANXUS_

**= Adult corner =**

Single man, in early twenties, brown eyes, fair hair, tall, fashionable, is looking for a soulmate. Someone to cuddle on rainy days and play games during the night. Preferably a woman, with long silver hair, muscular body and very loud voice.

CODE: Horsey-for-u

* * *

**I'd love to watch that play.**

**PLEASE, review :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**= Vongole Weekly, issue #30,657 =**

_Vongole Weekly is a weekly newspaper by Vongole Famiglia. The newspaper began with the First Generation of Vongole, and it is serving as quick and efficient news source for and of Vongole Famiglia and its allies even today._

**= Vongole news =**

_Vongole's special assassination squad now on DVD_

Negative reactions to Varia's presence have escalated dramatically over the past year, which led them searching for way to boost their popularity inside mafia. Their martial artist, Lussuria, came up with creative and unique idea of selling baby DVDs.

"Feelings of love start warming our hearts at a young age! We are mass-producing baby videos for mafioso mamas to show them to their little angels!" explained Lussuria.

There are two versions of DVDs: the first one is censored and aimed at overprotective mothers, called "Variatubbies", featuring Suberbia Squalo, prince Belphegor, Leviathan and Lussuria dressed in cute fatty colorful alien outfits. It has 100% censorship and a mute option for Squtubbie due to his potty mouth.

The second version of DVDs is uncensored and aimed at mothers who want their children to grow up to become tough mafia men, called "XANXUS the Explorer". They follow XANXUS as he walks around Italy and teaches his viewers how various things are called and what they are used for. The tagline is "What is this? It's a fucking rock, you little piece of shit."

Lussuria and the rest of the Varia are hoping the DVDs will provide mafia families with hours and hours of family-friendly fun.

* * *

_Dr. Shamal's first movie landing lawsuits even before its opening_

He's a good doctor, but a bad movie-maker, or at least that's the word on the street. Dr. Shamal recently finished his very first movie, which he directed himself, along with writing the script and playing the main role. However, the movie entitled "Deep Penetrations" may not see the light of day as many women have come forward to file a lawsuit. Bianchi, Lal Mirch, Aria, M.M., Sasagawa Kyoko, Miura Haru, Kurokawa Hana, Yuni, Chrome Dokuro and Adelheid Suzuki claim all female characters in the movie look exactly like them. We called Dr. Shamal for a comment.

"E-ehehehe … it's just … I didn't have enough money to hire real actresses, so I just acted out my part, then used CG … I admit some may resemble real-life women I know … a little … possibly …"

Meanwhile, many people are looking forward to the movie. According to our sources, Kokuyo Gang, Byakuran, Varia, Simon household and Cavallone household already pre-ordered several uncensored and extended editions. None of them were willing to comment on their purchase.

* * *

_Vongole's genius now a game master!_

Gokudera Hayato is not only artistic and highly intelligent, he's also a master of imagination. He had recently opened a small business – for making new games.

"Everybody likes games. If the game is good, it teaches you about life and builds your skills. I noticed many people have great ideas for fun activities, so _Gokuderax10101010_ games will make them reality. They just need to bring their idea to me, and I'll make it into a game ready to sell!"

And he already has his hands full with two projects, that you will be able to enjoy soon:

1. _Die_ – game idea by XANXUS, production Gokuderax10101010 – the player will have to survive a pleasant tourist trip around Italy. If the player does one wrong move, their computer will explode, spraying their faces with acid and small titanium bullets will shoot from the destroyed computer, aiming for the player's head and heart. XANXUS described it as "fun for the whole family. Don't forget to bring your friends."

2. _If It's Cute, You Must Possess It!_ – game idea by Byakuran, production Gokuderax10101010 – the goal of the game is to capture and lock a little girl in a cage. The player will have 100 days to stalk, photograph and spy on a little girl, along with doing other fun activities such as murdering her friends and parents. The game will have several achievements to earn, for example "how long can you stalk a little girl without being called a pedophile" achievement. Byakuran described it as "beautiful and heart-warming game inspired by his own life."

**~Vongole news – Namimori school journal~**

There is a slight crack on the ground of chemistry classroom. Tomorrow I will kick every chemistry club member in the mouth until their teeth fall off, bash their skulls against the sink and force them to eat glass to make sure this never happens again.

_-Report by Hibari Kyouya_

**= Bits and updates on other Famiglias =**

_Enma Kozato victim of haunting nightmares_

We've received news Simon Famiglia is terribly worried for their boss, who seems to suffer from a recurring disturbing nightmare.

"I-I'm too afraid to sleep," says distraught Enma, "I don't remember the dream itself, but I wake up feeling horrified, my heart racing wildly, tears in my eyes and I wet m- I mean, uh, I mean … n-nothing."

Tenth boss of Simon family doesn't know what brought on this nightmare, the only thing he knows is it started after he watched the theatrical play "Banana Pani".

* * *

_Katou Julie still hospitalized_

Known for gambling and chasing women, this Mafioso took a step too far last Friday. As we reported a week ago, he was out in a nightclub when he spotted what he thought was "a very fine woman, tall and athletic". He had only seen her from behind and said he "immediately moved forward and grabbed that delicious ass, squeezing it with passion". While he was "massaging" the woman's behind, he whispered in her ear "I'll make you ride me until you die from pleasure".

His luck ran out when the woman hit him with her fist and broke his jaw. He had then noticed his mistake – it was not a woman but Superbia Squalo. Famous swordsman proceeded to beat Julie mercilessly, almost killing him. Katou Julie is still hospitalized and slowly recovering.

**= Joke of the day =**

Tsuna's life.

_-Submitted by Reborn_

* * *

**Sorry for the long wait! ;_;**


End file.
